The Matchmaker Mystique – Finding Love That Lasts with a Little Help from the Pros

Bill and Melinda, Kim and Kanye, and even JLo and A-Rod who didn’t even make it to the altar, are among the high profile examples of relationships that didn’t stand the test of time. Most of us are familiar with studies that report 40-50 percent of marriages ending in divorce with and higher percentages for subsequent marriages. The unfortunate truth is that finding the perfect partner is a huge challenge, especially for high net worth individuals and families.

If you’re in the market for a bit of professional relationship help, you’re definitely not alone. The global matchmaking has a 2.65% growth rate, including projected market volume of US $530m by 2024 and 4.6 million matchmaker users by end of 2024, according to Statista. If you’re ready to move beyond dating apps and blind dates set up by family and friends here are a few considerations on how best to navigate the exclusive and elusive world of professional matchmaking.

Understand Your Relationship with Relationships

Understanding your relationship with relationships and what outcomes this leads to for you is vital. Once you do this, you can decide how this needs to be changed and what you really want and need moving forward, according to London-based coach John Kenny.

“People in high net worth situations have unique as well as common issues when it comes to dating. A lot of the clients I have worked with have spent a lot of time and effort reaching a certain point in their career. Being fairly single minded in this area has not allowed them time to develop deep, meaningful connections.  There could be a negative relational issue at play, their focus going towards their career because of an avoidance of positive relationship examples, or their motivation is driven based on the positive emotional outcomes this achieves.  Once in this position, when they look towards relationships, the underlying issue hasn’t been resolved and they still attract the wrong type of people to them. And worse still, people that are only attracted to their success,” Kenny says.

Those that have been born into high net worth have a different set of issues, but commonly their early childhood relationships were disconnected or even neglectful.  Kenny helps clients understand their life choices as far as relationships are concerned, based on their past experiences and subsequent relational patterns, relationship and self-beliefs and attachment styles.  This often impacts why they haven’t found the right relationship for them and the types of relationships they experience. 

As an example, one of Kenny’s clients had a very successful marketing agency but had dipped in and out of relationships for many years. In his mid-forties, he was sure that he would never find the right person or have to settle to have the family he desired.  Since working together, even under difficult dating conditions, he was able to meet someone and contacted him about a month ago to say he was expecting his first child. 

Dating is Complicated so Date Yourself First

Dating is complicated in today’s society and there are infinite ways to meet your soulmate. New York City-based psychotherapist Erica Cramer, LCSW, MBA, recommends that her clients put themselves in as many situations as possible where they have the opportunity to connect with a potential match. Some people swear by a certain matchmaker while other people swear by certain websites or apps but just because it worked for “someone they know.”  But do we really ever know if that person is actually in a healthy relationship?  Or an actual person?  We can’t base our search for love on the urban legend of singles past. And if it did work for someone else, that doesn’t mean it’s going to work for you, she says.

Her most important tip is to date yourself first. Getting to know yourself and evaluating your wants and needs will help you hit the most important mark in finding your mate: being your authentic self.  If you’re filling out a profile, make sure you’re presenting the person they’ll actually meet – with your picture and your interests.  

“You might hook a big fish in your photoshopped photo and talking about your love of rock climbing, but it’s going to be one awkward date when they can’t find who they’re looking for and you’ve never even clipped the harness.  And if you’re meeting a matchmaker, understand that while they’re talented, they’re not magic.  They’re finding potential mates based on a deep knowledge of their clients, so you need to set them, and yourself, up for success by being as honest as you’d be to a friend or therapist.  They need to know you deeply, inside and out and be able to establish your interests, goals and needs in order to find the right candidates that can lead to a satisfying and sustainable relationship. Dating is usually a numbers game and if you’re not going to get out there, one way or another, you’re seriously limiting your chances for love, “ she says.

Don’t Let Someone Marry Your Money

As a relationship expert and couples therapist with an exclusive private practice in Massachusetts, Dr. Isabelle Morley, PsyD, specializes in helping people navigate their romantic relationships. Finding a partner who will love and appreciate you regardless of your net worth is the key to a long-lasting relationship, she reports. 

“Money can come and go, and you want a spouse who will be by your side no matter what. If you date or marry someone who loves you for your money, there will be resentment and conflict down the road. I have seen what works and doesn’t work for individuals with high net-worth clients. Money can be a complicating factor when seeking a partner, especially if there is a significant discrepancy in income or resources. I have many clients who have inherited family money or made a significant income in their careers, and they often struggle to find and maintain happy romantic partnerships with their spouses,” Morley said.

It’s critical to examine your relationship with money. If your wealth is incredibly important to your identity, you may feel comfortable disclosing your net worth to someone you’re dating. However, you run the risk of that person seeing dollar signs instead of your personality. If you’re concerned that people may date you only for your resources, then be cautious in how much you share about your income, savings, and assets. Don’t lavish a new partner with gifts and vacations. Instead let a real connection build before bringing financial incentives into the mix, according to Morley.

“If you’ve had trouble finding love, it may help to do a little individual therapy to gain insight into where you’re going wrong. I do a lot of work with my clients around difficulty trusting the intentions or feelings of the people they’re dating, insecurities about the relationship, and unhealthy power dynamics caused by their net worth. Gaining understanding into your role in relationships, your patterns, your recurring missteps, and your needs will help you better articulate what you’re looking for to a matchmaker. If they have more information, they can find you a match that will more likely be a good fit,” she says.

Paul and Wes Karger of Boston’s Twin Focus agree. “While we typically recommend that all children coming from families with substantial means consider entering into antenuptial agreements, sometimes young couples decide against this. With this said, there are certain safety measures that can be embedded into intergenerational trust structures to help protect asset bases. However, as difficult as this may be, we do encourage couples to consider putting agreements in place as we feel it sets the table for a clear understanding of what a family may have, and what a G2 or G3 may inherit. One must keep in mind that for prenups to be valid there needs to be proper legal representation on both sides, disclosure of one’s assets, and ensure there is a prudent amount of time in between the negotiation and execution of the agreement, and the ultimate wedding as to not incur any duress,” they said.

Access to a Qualified Pool of Matches is Essential

Select Date Society,  a luxury matchmaking firm that represents high net worth singles throughout the United States, emphasizes that the most important consideration is access to high caliber singles. Working with a matchmaker who can put you in front of singles on your level is therefore helpful, especially if what you have been doing hasn’t been working.  

“It may be time to accept that you may be the expert in your field, but there are other professionals who are experts on love and relationships. Trust their expert advice and guidance,” said CEO Amber Artis. “When we introduced Tammy and Ron, we knew there would be a connection. Tammy is a gorgeous, petite, blonde who started a successful marketing company in her twenties. Ron is a tall, handsome, IT Executive. I was disappointed when Tammy called me after the first date and said she was not interested. She felt like Ron was “too nice” for her. “Too nice?!” I told her that of course he was nice… it was a first date and he was being a gentleman! It took some convincing, but a few weeks later Tammy agreed to a second date with Ron. This time she called me to say she didn’t know what she missed the first time, but she had an amazing time and realized that Ron was actually a little edgy, fun, and super smart. She thanked me for urging her to go out with him again. That was in November. By Valentine’s Day, they were deeply in love.”

Specialized Matches Require Specialized Expertise

Wealthy LGBTQ singles often face unique challenges when looking for a suitable mate, reports dating coach and relationship expert Tammy Shaklee, a leading LGBTQ relationship expert and president of one of the country’s top LGBTQ certified matchmaking companies, H4M Matchmaking. 

Together with her team, Shaklee has successfully paired thousands of LGBTQ clients across the country that were seeking long-term committed relationships. Utilizing skills that she finetuned in her previous career as a broadcast journalist, her reporter objective instincts, acute listening skills, and same-sex proprietary methodology, she believes she has identified the ideal foundation for true compatibility. Her unique process focuses on traditional introductions and dating for LGBTQ singles who are interested in achieving relationship success that rivals their professional success. 

Is International Matchmaking for You?

High net worth individuals are more drawn to international matchmaking now than ever before, reports Charlie Morton of International Love Scout. 

“In addition to the fact that wealthy individuals tend to have a lot of experience with international travel, this is also because most women from Ukraine or Colombia are not going to blink at a pre-nup.  They live in countries where men regularly leave with and without legal divorce and rarely ever pay child support or alimony, so signing a pre-nup that guarantees something if the marriage doesn’t work is seen as much better than the alternative they are familiar with,” Morton said.

“Matchmaking is hot right now in large measure because everyone is sick of the swipe date apps. They are beyond simply superficial and people know that trying to build a relationship off of nothing but looks is hard.  Even in the best of times romance is hard.  And in the last fifty years many of the ways that people were traditionally matched have collapsed.  Church membership is plunging.  Most people do not live where they grew up and even club membership is rare. It is almost illegal to meet someone at work and everyone walks around with headphones on.  Then when people decide to try to find someone they turn to swipe right sites that are built completely on superficial qualities.  Frankly, it is almost a miracle when a good couple meets, and the recent research on American dating makes it clear,” he emphasizes.

Watch Your Body Language

When Patti Wood, MA, a body language expert, author, professional speaker and coach, began doing executive coaching for wealthy business owners and C-suite executives, she realized that many times the single executive men said they wanted management coaching but that their more profound need was to learn how to select mates, learn how to safely and effectively flirt, and form deep, meaningful relationships.

“As you might guess, wealthy, successful singles sometimes find themselves sought after by people that want their money and power. Understanding body language and other healthy communication cues are a way to tell whether someone is credible and authentic. While men and women high on the Driver and Corrector on the DISC type indicator are often successful, they may have trouble with the gentle back and forth flow of flirting and the process of being still and listening that is required to create intimacy. and I teach those behaviors as well,” Wood said.

“It is also often helpful to brainstorm places to go to meet future mates so I assign them tasks like joining a board on a nonprofit,  volunteering for Habit for Humanity, volunteering to help as a greeter or sign in person at a nonprofit or art event or taking an in-person class.”

Whether you’ve been too busy, have a poor relationship track record, or just haven’t met the mate of your dreams, it is possible a matchmaker can help. To begin, be sure to select the one that represents the best fit for your unique situation and then be 10% honest in terms of your goals to insure optimum success.